The price of "free" parental labour

As we all know, some through experience and others through common knowledge, separation and divorce often bring unpleasant conversations about money to the table.

I find it deeply offensive - to myself and to all mothers alike - that I have to write this article and justify what I do as a parent to support my child, and give my labour a price. Sadly, we live in a world where everything has a price, but caregiving is conveniently perceived as free labour and neatly attached to the "job description" of motherhood.

It is not.

Caregiving is neither free nor does it come naturally to women just because we give birth to children. It took me a lot of time to appreciate what I had contributed to my family of three, when I still had one, and a year to fully grasp how undervalued my efforts as a single mother are.

This is for all the other mothers who feel drained by society, their (ex-)husbands, and often even by their friends. Parental labour has a price, and we are going to go through it. A huge disclaimer here is that I will only go through the literal physical activities that can be categorised under different job descriptions. Emotional labour, love, care, worry, respect, raising a child properly while trying to be a better parent every day - these are sides of parenthood that cannot be given a price.

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My husband is financially responsible for me and our daughter at the moment. Although his financial contribution keeps us afloat, I am affected by comments like I should be grateful that he didn't let us starve, or how wonderful he is to financially support me years after the separation.

I am raising our child, and I have a household with a child. Like many, many, many other mothers around the globe, my work is left unnoticed because it is unpaid labour. But let's try to put a price on it. For my own validation and for the validation of someone else who needs to read that.

Let's say that I need to hire someone in the mornings to take care of my child and get her ready for school, because I am not able to - every workday, for an hour and a half in the morning. And… let's say that I am not able to pick my daughter up from school, prepare dinner for her, help her with her homework, discuss her social life, help her get ready to go to sleep, read a book, and put her to bed. That would be 20 mornings and 20 afternoons, and evenings a month. Those equal 30 hours in the mornings and roughly 80 hours in the evenings - 110 hours a month. If you hire a nanny just to be there for your child — to bring her to school, pick her up, and give her the food you had already bought and prepared — that would be EUR 1,870 a month, given the average price per hour for a nanny service is EUR 17.

Ok, but that food needs to be bought, carried home, cooked, or at least prepared (for the infamous lunch boxes, for example). While someone might say that I would buy food and cook for myself anyway, I would beg to differ: my grocery list when I am alone and when my child is home for the weekend are two completely different lists. The first mainly consists of coffee and milk, and the other has to be enough for the two school-free days, but also includes what she would take for school on Monday. Paying a nanny to do that would cost an additional EUR 15 an hour. Let's give that nanny two hours of grocery shopping and five hours of meal prep and cooking a week - an additional EUR 420 a month.

Thus far, we have concluded that basic child care on workdays for a child who is at school the whole day costs EUR 2,290.

But what about the weekends? Given that the father takes care of the child every second weekend, there are two weekends a month that any given parent spends with the child on their own. This is EUR 816 a weekend, for childcare only.

We are already well over EUR 3,000, and it could probably be enough to stop here.

What I'd like to ask is the following:

What about the nights? A mother's "shift" does not end when the child is asleep. And if I am supposed to not miss my freedom, how would a father feel if he were bound to stay home every night and only have four free nights a month? Would he be fine with paying a nanny to have his freedom, but when it's the mom taking care of the child daily, the freedom that the father has is enjoyed for free, because that's "her job"?

What about correspondence with the school and doctors, the appointments, the vaccinations, the school tasks, the parent meetings, the birthday parties, the playdates, the sports and outside-of-school activities that also require time and effort? The cleaning, the laundry, the toiletries, the shopping for clothes, shoes and school supplies? The planning, the tutoring, the museums, the concerts, the sweet treats, the weekends, and the hobbies?

I could add so much more to the costs, but I don't think I need to. A person who has never been responsible for a child on their own will absolutely never value the contribution of a parent, no matter what numbers I provide and no matter how long the list of daily tasks I present to them.

But my goal was never that - I did not write all of this to try and change the opinion of someone who would never be in that position. I wrote it for the mother who feels like she failed; for the mother who measures herself to the highest standard; for the mother who is labelled by society as a failure because she does not have a paycheque to prove how valuable her contribution actually is; for the mother who cannot find a job because she is perceived as risky by all employers; and also for the mother who managed to get one that is way beneath her education and work experience. For the mother who has been failed by everyone and is tempted to see herself through the eyes of those same people who failed her.

And most of all, for the mother whose only reward is the love and appreciation of her children, but needs to learn to appreciate her own contribution to their upbringing and well-being.

You are indeed the superhero your child believes you are!

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NIB and Ember